


Undone

by gabrielthearchangelspn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Disorder, Castiel in the Bunker, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, F/M, M/M, Post-Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielthearchangelspn/pseuds/gabrielthearchangelspn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has fallen. Alone, and very, very lost. He suddenly finds himself tossed headfirst human into the world that he's only ever watched and observed. Covered in blood and ash he begins a journey towards the only place he's ever called home and starts a battle with his mind and new emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burned

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a work in progress.

            The first thing he was aware of was the icy rain landing in small snapping sounds on himself and the ground around him. He could have sworn he was dreaming with the beautiful trees towering over him and the pure silence.

           He wasn’t sure how long he laid there but long enough that his hands were starting to feel numb. He was surrounded in his own blood and the ashes of his burnt wings which mixed together in a gross muddy color that drenched the ground, his hands, and the entirety of his old worn trench coat. It was enough blood to bleed out a normal person. Then again his wings were large.

           When the events of last night entered his mind he let out a panicked whimper and despite the ache in his back turned over and began pawing at the ground trying to desperately gather the remains of his wings. He let out a sob when he realized how utterly helpless he was all the sudden. He cried for the loss of his grace, for his fallen brothers and sisters, and the Winchesters. He probably would have lain there longer if he didn’t find bugs and crawling creatures absolutely repulsive. With all the strength he could manage he lifted himself off the ground and looked around at his surroundings; lots of wet leaves and too many trees to see anything helpful such as a town in the distance.

          With a deep sigh, Castiel began walking. He wasn’t sure what direction to go in, but he assumed North was probably best. He was pleasantly surprised that he was pretty close to a road. He picked up his pace when he saw the black tar in the distance. When he reached the road he began walking left considering he had no idea which direction Kansas was in.

           After a few hours, his feet began to tire. Castiel groaned and sat down on the side of the road resting his head on his knees. It wasn’t long before his eyes began to close and he was drifting asleep. A loud engine was heard in the distance before Castiel could move out of the way the car drove right through a large puddle sending a great wave of dirty water right into his face and all over him. He let out a startled yelp and leaped back and hurriedly got to his feet.

          Castiel felt slight doubt and frustration sneak into his mind. He wondered where the Winchesters were and if they were okay. He hoped they’d be happy to see him or at least relieved. He let these thoughts occupy his mind while he traveled down the seemingly never-ending road. He was so deep in thought that he was unaware when a car pulled over behind him. He felt a small tap on his shoulder. He nearly jumped out his skin turning around ready to punch whatever touched him in the face.

          He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in when he saw a frail old lady. She let out a gasp and stepped back.

          “Sir, are you hurt?” She asked while running back to her car and opening the trunk. When she returned Castiel answered with a shake of his head. The women wrapped a warm quilt around his shoulders. Castiel let her without protest.

          “Oh dear, what happened,” she lifted her arm and ran a soft shaky hand down his face, “who could hurt someone with a face like yours?”

         He stepped back a little. He knew he was awful at lying so he just said the first thing that came to mind, “I don’t- I don’t know…”

         What he did know was that he was cold, hungry, alone, and dirty and he really hoped this woman would at least give him a warm meal and a shower. He nervously pulled the soft quilt around himself suddenly very weary. She smiled lightly and grabbed his hand rubbing a thumb over his bloody knuckles.

         “That’s okay, say why don’t you come with me and we’ll get you something to eat and a some clean clothes.” She started walking towards the car and without a second thought Castiel followed. She had something about her. For some reason even though he never met her or even seen what she looked like, he was sure that this was exactly what Mary Winchester was like.

         She opened the door for him and he climbed in being sure to wrap the blanket around himself so that he wouldn’t get anything on her seats. Unlike his best friend, Dean, this woman probably could care less about her car. He stared forward staring at each individual droplet of rain that hit the window. The old woman turned towards him.

         “May I ask what your name is?”

         “Um…Cas…Novak…” he stuttered out.

         “What an unusual name. Was it your father's?”

         Castiel could feel himself getting very frustrated with this woman’s questions, “ _sure._ ” Castiel snapped.

         “Well, Cas you can call me Diane. We’ll be at my house in a few blocks.”

         “Thank you…Diane.”

         The rest of the ride was in silence. Which Castiel was very grateful for? When they got inside Castiel was led to the table. The old woman walked over to her fridge.

         “I’m sorry dear; I haven’t had a guest in forever. Would a sandwich of some kind be alright?”

         Castiel really didn’t care he was just really hungry, he would have been happier with hamburger made by Dean, but he wasn’t about to complain. “Yes, thank you.”

         “Alright dear, would you like to use the phone?”

         “Yes, that would be great.”

         “It’s on the end table in the Den.”

         Castiel nodded and headed towards the Den. He found the phone was a model from the late 80’s. He punched in the only number he could remember was on his phone. It rang for about a minute before he heard Dean’s voicemail. He let out a sigh as he waited for the beep.

        “Hello, Dean. I’m unsure if you’ll get this. I’d be pretty pointless to tell you to call his number back considering this phone does not belong to me and I’ll be gone in a few hours.” He waited till voicemail clicked and placed the phone back. He was very happy to see that a sandwich was placed in his place.

        He took a large bite out of what was peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was surprised at how much he actually enjoyed it. He suddenly found himself with an empty plate and fairly full stomach. Diane lifted the plate and took it over to the sink.

        “The bathroom is at the end of the hall towels and stuff in there. I’ll bring you some clothing later, there’s a bathrobe in there. Bring your dirty clothes to me when you’re done.”

        Castiel nodded and headed towards the bathroom. As he stood in the shower and stared at the ground watching the ash, blood, and drift run down the drain he wondered _if he could wash his mistakes down the drain_. He felt that same feeling he had felt that morning, _sadness, anger, disappointment?_ He felt like melting down the drain disappearing.

       He realized that feeling was actually _guilt._


	2. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The only good thing about being human was he finally was getting a chance to love something that he wasn’t forced to. "

_“Castiel?” a somewhat menacing voice whispered._

_He tried to call out to the voice, but he found himself bound to something, unable to speak or move._

_“Castiel!” The voice got louder and closer._

_He started to feel fear in the back of mind and began struggling to move._

_“Castiel.” The voice was now right in front of him. He struggled more. Metatron stood over him with a vial of glowing blue material. He realized that what the scribe was holding was his grace._

_“Bye, Castiel.” Metatron waved a little and Castiel was suddenly falling; plummeting towards earth while his wings burned like a falling star. But what was the difference._

<><><> 

    He was awoken by someone yelling his name. “Cas,” Diane sat down on the edge of the bed, “are you alright?” Castiel noticed it was still very dark outside. “Yeah, just a nightmare…what time is it?”

    “Doesn’t matter, are you sure you’re alright?”

    “Yes, I’m fine…” Diane was very aware that Castiel really didn’t want to talk about it. She left him alone in the darkness of her guest room. He lay awake staring at the ceiling thinking about everything. The things he learned in the last day was the fact that being human is easy dealing with human emotions is not. He couldn’t go back to sleep he was too afraid of having another one of those nightmares. He wondered how something as petty as images that occupied your mind while you slept could be so scary and real.

    He laid there until the sun started to peak around the dark blue curtains. He walked out into the kitchen where Diane was already up and making breakfast. He sat down and watched as she cooked eggs and spread butter on toast. She took notice of Castiel and placed a plate in front of him. He smiled thanks and began eating. As he looked over at Diane he was more grateful than ever for the random stranger which noticed he was in need. As he looked into her eyes she smiled lightly and continued sipping her tea.

   Castiel had tried the tea before, but he was more of a coffee person. Much like Sam Winchester he much preferred coffee with lots of milk, sugar, and cream. He could only describe the taste of coffee as the nice calm feeling of looking at Christmas decorations. He ate his breakfast in silence. He found he really enjoyed bacon and eggs over the hash browns and waffles. The only good thing about being human was he finally was getting a chance to love something that he wasn’t forced to.

    “Enjoying your breakfast, Cas?” Diane asked as she watched him shove forkfuls of eggs in his mouth.

    “The eggs are “to die for!” he joked back. Diane just laughed.

    “So what happened for you to end up bloody and wet on the side of the road?” She asked setting her mug back on the table.

    Castiel’s eyes went wide with worry. He cursed himself inside for being such a lousy liar, “To be honest I’m not really sure. It’s all kind of a blur.” He admitted it was mostly true anyways. He found it was easier to simply the truth so you weren’t really lying but also weren’t giving away everything. It was another trick he learned from the Winchesters.

    “Well, what do you remember?”

    Castiel would really have to stretch the truth now, “there was a fire, and blood everywhere…I don’t know much else.”

    “Well, maybe your mind is protecting you from something. Something you’re too afraid to find out.”

    “Maybe…” the former angels hunger suddenly gone. He pushed his plate away from him and began to get up. “Thank you for…everything but I should really be heading to where I need to be.” Diane slowly removed herself from her seat.

    “You’re sure you’ll be okay. You can stay here as long as you please if you need too.”

    Castiel shook his head, “I should really find my family. Thank you again for the offer.”

    Castiel walked back to the room he stayed in, he grabbed his clothing and stuffed them into a bag Diane had given him the previous night. He grabbed his trench coat off the bed post and slid it on. Disappointed it still had visible stains on it but as long as it was intact it was alright. He looked in mirror straitening his tie and running a hand through his hair. It was probably pointless but he’d only ever actually seen himself in the mirror a number of times he was so used to seeing his vessel one way so he was dismayed seeing a hair out of place or a unshaved face.

    He headed back down the hallway where Diane was on the phone. She perked up when she saw him, “Oh, he’s right here actually!” The fallen angel gave her a confused expression as she handed him the phone.

    “Um, hello?” he spoke into the phone.

    He heard a relieved and irritated sigh, _“Oh god, Cas you’re okay?”_

    Cas felt a smile form on his face, “Dean…yeah you could say that.”

 _“Cas, listen Sam’s in a coma and I can’t really help you right now. Get to the bunker and just stay there, okay?”_ the last part was rushed and aggressive.

    “I can’t-I don’t” he heard the phone click and a horrible dial tone took the place of Dean’s heavy breathing. “-have money…” Castiel finished with a sigh.

    Diane looked at him with sympathy. He just slowly set the phone and down and headed towards the door. Just as he opened it Diane pushed it shut and looked at him, “at least let me drive you to the bus station.” She offered grabbing her keys off the table. Castiel just nodded and followed her out the door.

<><><> 

    He found he really hated buses. He hated the way they smelled, he hated the fact the bus driver stopped so often to smoke and take phone calls. The thing he hated more than anything was how when he looked out the window he got looks of disgust from the people driving beside. He found it easier just to lie on the seat and pretend he wasn’t even there. Something about being in something with wheels made him nauseous. Even the handful of times he’d been in the impala he swore he was going to puke. He honestly was embarrassed by the fact that moving in high speeds on the ground was more stressful than flying in the air.

    He tried sleeping, but the seats were cold. He even tried counting the amount of red and blue cars that passed, but that wasn’t much fun. He was bored, bored as hell. That was another thing he hated about travel was the fact that it consumed so much time and so far he learned that he was so used to having things done quickly that waiting was just something Dean would call, “a pain in the ass.” Which Castiel full hearted would agree about.

    After a few hours he began to feel the same burning in his eyes as when he woke up on the ground two days earlier, he realized that he was about to cry again. He wasn’t even sure why he all the sudden felt this way. Maybe he was just irritable and tired, which he almost laughed about because that’s exactly the reason an infant would cry. For some reason that just made him sadder thinking about how stupid and unreasonable he was being. He sat up and leaned his head against the window staring down at the white stripe in the middle of the highway. He had never felt more misunderstood and alone than he did at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when i'll update next, probably in about 2 weeks because i'm going on vacation and won't have much else to do anyways. Please let me know what you thought. Idea's are always welcome! Have a nice weekend.


	3. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas arrives at the bunker along with the Winchesters who attempt to pry answers out of Cas about his mysterious nightmares.

After 3 days of constantly switching buses and occasionally walking when the he was too impatient to wait till the next day for the desired bus that was heading in the direction, he needed to go. In the three days, he was able to find a map, and some random food left behind by former passengers. Despite being overly bored, he found that his nightmares had become a major problem for himself and the people who happened to be sitting next to him at the moment. He also found himself feeling very panicky when driving down hills. 

Besides all those things, he was kicked off of at least three buses for vomiting on the floor because of motion sickness; which always ended with him walking down a dirt road in the middle of the night. He really hated those moments because every little sound made him flinch. He felt safer walking down the middle of the road rather than in the bike lanes or sidewalks (being pulled into the bushes by some unknown creature made him nervous.) Every time he saw a road sign he took out his map to see how much further he had to go. He felt like it was going to take him years.

But here he was on the last bus to Beloit, Kansas where he would take a cab about 2 hours to Lebanon. He was so excited he would probably run there if his feet didn’t hurt so badly. The former angel was two hours and a few moments away from finally being home.

As the bus came to a screeching halt, Castiel grabbed his bag and walked off the bus. The cold air hit him in a rush. He looked around his eyes found the pay phone connected to the wall of the bus station building. He looked in the phone book for a cab company that was very close buy. Once he found the number and called, soon he found himself with a cab heading towards the station.

He sat outside on a bench near the road. Within 10 minutes, a cab was in front of him ready to take him to Lebanon. He climbed into the back; the driver smiled back at him.

“Where you headed, buddy?”

“Just outside Lebanon, just stop when you see a large old building with a rounded entrance.”

The cab driver sighed, “That’s a long drive, bud.”

“I hope you don’t mind…” offered Cas.

“You’re paying me aren’t you?” the cab driver let out a sad laugh.

“Yes I am.” _with the only money I have left…_

The driver shrugged. He punched in the address and turned on the monitor. The fallen angel was very worried about the amount of money he was going to owe, but he figured that whatever was left in James Novak’s wallet was enough to cover the cost.

They made small talk for about an hour before they both were too uninterested to carry on the conversation. Castiel began feeling very relaxed and eventually fell asleep. He awoke some time later to the driver shaking him awake.

“See ya, buddy.” The driver said as Castiel got out handed him several bills from the wallet and began walking towards the entrance to the bunker. He hurriedly walked down the steps to the large metal doors.

He pounded his fist against the door several times. He felt his heart do that contracting thing again where it felt like metal was hitting his rib cage. He couldn’t breathe. He was mainly just frustrated that Dean had sent him here when the door wasn’t even open and no one was there. He stood there about twenty minutes knocking again every few minutes. In pure frustration of having to travel 4 days to a place, he couldn’t even get in he kicked the door as hard he could. He heard a quick click and the doors screeched open.

He sighed; relieved he picked up his bag and headed into the bunker. The air was thick and musty; every surface was covered in books and dust. He sat down in the closest chair leaning back and examining the room.

His stomach let out a growl. Irritated with the sound he got up and searched the kitchen. After searching the cabinets and finding nothing but various unnamed labeled cans, he found an uneaten turkey sandwich in the fridge (probably Sam’s). He unwrapped the sandwich and greedily ate it quickly it was probably the best meal he’d had in three days.

He spent the next few hours organizing the books and cleaning the library. He was just placing the last few books on the shelves before a phone rang. He got up from where he was leaning on the floor. He followed the noise to a cardboard box on the table. He opened it; it was filled with all kinds of phones. He picked the flashing one up and held it to his ear.

“Hello?” he asked after a few seconds of silence.

 _“Cas?” Dean…oh thank god_ , Castiel thought.

“Dean?”

“ _You finally got there. We’ll be at the bunker in the morning. Just letting you know_.”

And the line went dead. Cas actually felt sadness from the quick phone call. He found comfort in Dean’s voice much like when he was younger when he found comfort around Gabriel and Balthazar. He brought the phone down setting it into the box and closing the lid. He was so tired and just wanted to sleep. He plopped down onto the couch bringing his legs up and resting his head on the armrest.

<><><>

He woke up in fear he couldn’t breath and he felt like someone was holding him down. The former angel was just about to sit up and attempt to scream, but someone was running a comforting hand through his hair gently massaging his skull. The figure was blurred. He could see the lips moving, but he couldn’t hear what they were saying. He leaned back down against the couch closing his eyes once again.

<><><>

The next time Castiel awoke he was aware of a very bright ceiling light that caused him to roll over facing the back of the couch. He pulled the soft blanket over his eyes. Wait what blanket? Castiel asked himself. Where the hell did the blanket come from? He sat up so fast his stomach turned. He looked around pretty much everything was the same except for the duffle bags on the table.

He placed his feet on the cold wood floor standing he made his way into the kitchen was Dean and Sam were leaning against the counters drinking coffee and speaking in low voices. They looked up when they heard footsteps.

“Hey, Cas want some coffee?” Dean asked heading back towards the coffee maker.

Castiel nodded yes and took a seat at the kitchen table. A few moments later a piping hot cup of coffee was placed in front of him. Dean slid in the seat across from him smirking. Cas drank his coffee in silence while Dean stared at him. Castiel was starting to realize how staring could become annoying so he snapped at him.

“What!” Castiel barked out. He could see Sam flinch out of the corner of his eye.

“Cas…what were you dreaming about?” Dean asked staring down into his probably now mostly cold coffee.

Castiel’s face went from annoyance to fear in a few seconds, “things…just things…”

“Cas that was not just “a thing” you were basically screaming in your sleep. Then you woke up and you were breathing so heavy you stopped and fell back asleep.” Dean explained in a gentle voice.

“I can’t tell you…I’m sorry…” Castiel tried to explain. But knowing Sam and Dean they weren’t going to accept that as an answer.

Cas could see the expression on Sam’s face put two and two together “Cas, this has to do with you being mortal doesn’t it?”

Castiel felt cornered like a criminal in a jail cell, “Please stop.” He begged he knew he sounded broken.

“Cas…” Dean started, “I know it’s hard, but you can’t get passed it without talking about it. Believe me I know.”

Now Cas was just angry, “fine okay. Metatron stole my grace and burned my wings off. He held me down strapped me to a chair and took everything from me! That was all I had left that was who I was!” the fallen angel felt the wetness of tears down his face. Dean and Sam just stared at him in shock. “Say something! Tell me who am I! I am nothing anymore…I’m just a soul…so please tell me I was never just an angel…tell me I’m worth something…” Cas was outright sobbing. He knew he was at fault from screaming at Dean and Sam, but he was so afraid and frustrated that he couldn’t hold back those emotions anymore.

Dean continued to stare at him jaw slack. The former angel stood up and left the room.

He wandered the bunker for a while before finding a door at the end of an empty corridor. He opened it finding a fairly large bedroom empty except for a bed, dresser, and a bathroom. There were multiple empty shelves that lined that walls and a leather armchair in the corner. There were paintings on the walls of wings and various biblical scenes. He sat in the armchair and stared at the wall.

Dean peeked his head in the bedroom, he smiled at Castiel before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“So you found it?”

“The room?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, me and Sam set it up for you when we first found the bunker. We never expected you to ever need to use it, but we set it up anyways. Good thing we stocked the dresser and bathroom considering you need those things now.”

“Yes thank you, Dean.”

“We left the shelves open for you to put stuff on.”

Castiel nodded. He moved over to sit next to Dean. Who shifted further from him. Cas rested his hand on the soft blue comforter.

“I’m sorry for pushing you. I didn’t mean to upset you I just wanted you to be able to talk about what happened.”

“Dean-”

“No Cas I should have given you the space and I didn’t. I know it must be really hard to deal with what happened. Cas you will always be an angel metaphorically and not. People don’t define themselves as human, so you shouldn’t define yourself as just an angel. You are a friend, a hunter, a hero, and a giant nerd. But you aren’t just a soul, okay?” Dean took a deep breath as he looked at Castiel who was staring at his hands.

“Thank you, Dean, you’re a good friend.”

Dean smiled before standing and leaving the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a review and let me know how i'm doing.


End file.
